Not always easy...

Man.

I often update this with all the fun, exciting times we have had and it dawned on me...HELLO! That is not all that I want remembered. I also want the hard times, the times we thought might drown us but that we ended up on top for. The arguments with kids and the chaos that ensues nearly every single day that we have all the kids. Also, even when we don't.

We have a dog. He chews. He has accidents. He is there 24x7.He is our 7th child.

Okay little off track. Where was I?

The last 3 weeks since Jared has been away have been:

Hectic. Rough. Relieving. Chaotic. Sad. A Roller Coaster.

The journey we are on is one that is well worth it. The reward is much greater than the current chaos it brings and honestly, I couldn't be more glad that we are here in this journey now rather than years down the road once hearts have been shattered a little more, trust has truly been broken and kids are affected even deeper. The thing of it is this. Our kids are now the ones affected. Where Jareds kids were once affected in a way that my kids will never understand, my kid are now affected in a way that they understand all to well.

Either way. Kids have been affected.

It hit me this weekend when we had planned our only 8 hour day to hang with the kids. We were busting him out of that place. YAY! Day of Fun. YAY!

Not so much. Well. In a figurative sense.

We took the day, we got up early, the kids were none to pleased about this until I met them halfway and we all got Starbucks (whole other disappointment story there) and off we went. We picked him up, he rushed out, we got in the car and off we went. In the wrong direction. No. Literally. When I grabbed him it was all to easy to wanna run. Straight for the door. Which he did. This meant no love for me till prompted and by then I was agitated. Being a female and not listening to him when he was clearly saying "wrong way dear!". Now we are late.

Kids affected.

We get to the place, we are all still excited and then traffic to get to the parking garage. I am thinking in my head that Jared will soon be upset, I will get agitated and then boom.

Kids affected.

Well, that didn't happen. He was calm and I was still agitated from the two previous interactions that day. The doomed Starbucks stop and the lack of affection. I shut down. We went to on with the day and throughout there were complaints, bad attitudes and what we like to call the 'trickle effect'. One kid starts and they all follow suit. This is where the day goes downhill. We stay, we have as much fun as possible and then we leave. We start to look for a place to go eat and once we find it, we are already going in that at least half the kids will be upset and we are in a semi shady place in SF but I was up for the new place and Jared I think sensed all my other emotions and was done. So we went to hunt down a new place. Long story short. We did not end up going to eat. We lost an hour with Jared and....Yep...

Kids affected.

He and I talked, we always do. About everything. We realized something today and that is that we are co-dependents in regards to our children. We like to think we call all the shots and maybe we do but their attitudes, their comments (snide and rude) all cause reactions within he and I. They make us shut down. They make ME for sure feel like I am failing. We both get upset and then BOOM. We end up not having the day we planned and it ruins everything.

At the end of the day the nice way to put this is that our kids control our emotions. Even when we don't want them to. Jared wants to please his kids, I want to please mine. We want to please each other and in the grand scheme. Not everyone will be pleased all the time. Currently I am faced with this challenge of trying to make my relationship not sink. Not that it would, but the reality is that when we started this 4 week journey...we weren't damaged. We were not ruined nor beyond hope that this would work. Trust had not been broken in the manner that is what some may think and oddly we were so excited for the long game that I think we forgot about the short game.

The short game is this...

Kids are going to get affected while we try to work on this very grown up situation.

Visitations for my kids would be limited in the sense that while I went to these meetings and these visits and dedication to making sure we knew how to be successful not only individually in Jareds sobriety but together as a family (in different ways of course), they would get time with Mom cut short. Time that lets be honest. Is valuable and cherished. Not only by them, but by me. For Jareds kids they would be getting less time in their home, they would be in this home without their dad and their time with their dad would be limited and not special one on one time (like cuddling on the couch, playing catch or watching football games and such).

Although I still don't know the happy medium and now we only have one week left I can say that we are barely making it out alive in regards to our kids. They probably miss us, hate us and think we don't care half the time.

They are wrong.

We just need to make sure we are building this family on a solid foundation and sometimes in order to do that its a little messy inbetween.

I think my kids miss their mom and Jareds kids miss their dad and honestly. Jared and I miss not just each other but our family unit. We miss lazy days or cooking dinner, scolding kids and rolling eyes at each other when it was time to decide whose turn it was for emptying the dishwasher or who gets to feed Jack. We miss being a team and although this situation even when we are around each other is far from normal we cannot wait for normal to return.

Honestly.

We can't wait for an even better normal to begin. A sober normal. A happy normal. A chaotic normal. We just want to have a solid place to start and although getting there is a tough spot for our kids, in the end it is them that will be positively affected.

How?

Jareds kids will have a sober dad.
My kids will have a sober Jared
We will be stronger.

Our relationship was not tarnished from drinking but it could have been, like so many families before us and even after us. Jared simply saw what road he was headed down and knew he wanted more. I could not be more proud of him. More proud of us. For trying our best to get through this. I appreciate our kids for also struggling through this and one day I hope that all 8 of us can look back and think. Maybe it wasn't perfect when we missed a valuable to member due to rehab but it was worth it.

In this blended family we are all a little bruised. Jared and I from damaged relationships and our kids from broken families. Doesn't mean there won't be some growing pains but it does mean that we know now what we want and that we are all willing to put in the work to get there. To some this step for Jared may seem like nothing, but if I have learned anything over the course of the last 3 weeks it is that it was huge. It meant he didn't want to truly lose trust or respect between us. He didn't want to let our kids down, to set a bad example. He wanted better. I wanted better.

We together are going to be so much better. Nothing worth having, ever comes easy.

Eventually bruises, bumps and broken legs heal. This will all work out. I have to remember that on the days where I feel like I'm failing everyone. As a co-dependent mommy. Its a work in progress.

Co-Dependent. That is for a blog later on!

Testing. Testing. 1..2..3..

Okay. So. You may be saying to yourself...who in their right mind starts a blog with 6 kids in one household because you KNOW you won't have time to update it. Yet. Here I am. Trying to update it...again.

Its been nearly 2 months. WOW! Since I last updated. We have had Christmas, New Years and countless other things in between. I will of course keep this simple and just give you a quick recap.

We took our first OFFICIAL Christmas vacation. We took all 6 kids in one vehicle down to the Southern California where we enjoyed a great time at Six Flags Magic Mountain and Knotts Berry Farm. This was before Christmas but all the kids knew this meant it was their big Christmas Present from not only  us but from my parents (Rich and Debbie) who pitched in for some tickets and some hotel nights. Honestly, I don't know what we would do without our families! We had a blast. Some kids got to go on new rides that they wouldn't have tried otherwise and other kids just got a good adrenalin rush from the ones they knew they already would like. I was worried at first that we wouldn't have enough time to get everyone some fun times but we did! We even made an impromptu second stop on the way back at Magic Mountain again. We have our Six Flags Membership so this park is included FOR FREE! Well. Kinda. You know, we still pay our monthly dues. All in all it went great, we will most definitely be making vacations for Christmas more of an occurrence than presents. There is just something so much more special in making memories with  your kids than having them just tear through presents that will be forgotten with hours, days or weeks of opening them!

Once we came back from vacation we immediately rolled right into Christmas. It was busy and hectic and I'm not gonna lie, there were some stress tears shed but it was all worth it in the end. We had our very first Christmas Dinner at our house and even set the table all cute and fancy. Grandma Lou and Blondie even joined us but for some reason we did NOT get a pic of either of them! Next time! The kids were dressed up and honestly, it was a good first Christmas but I cannot wait for the future ones to come!

Right after Christmas, literally, we headed up to Colusa for just a day trip and we had a good time but man was it short! We had to rush opening some of the secret Santa gifts and unfortunately Carina and the Luoma 3 were not with us but we as soon as we had them we made sure they got their gifts! We got there much earlier than most though so we took advantage and even went mudding! Rian loved it, Laneya not so much. Haha.

New years was pretty uneventful as it was just the mister and I, but we went out, and celebrated none the less. We did meet some new people and they have started to slowly become friends and its nice. Nice to have a our circle becoming different. We need different. Just after New Years Jared and I went on our first weekend away! With no kids! YAHOO!! My Christmas present to him was a weekend away so that we could go snowboarding and we took full advantage! We had a blast and although I sucked he was still soo supportive and awesome about it. He had a good time to and I even had him go on one run by himself so that he didn't have to keep stopping. Maybe next time I will learn to go faster and forward! Haha. This time I was all backwards and totally clumsy. Thank goodness we didn't go with anyone else!

After getting back from snowboarding, all sore and sick, we had Megan come down for a little visit. She was bored at home on break and we always love to see her so we made the most out of it. I was terribly sick the first few days but thankfully she didn't mind and then the last couple days we had some adventures. A freezing cold trip to six flags, a trip to the Jelly Belly Factory and a day trip to Old Town Sacramento.

I tend to go on a few field trips with each of my kids during their school careers but I have never been on this one and it was really fun. Laneya's class went to the Lawrence Hall of Science and it was awesome. They dissected squid and got to play with Dry Ice. I am soo very glad that I got to join in on the fun and share this with her!

Aidan had quite the year in football and they each year do an awards ceremony. This year was no different. Of course we all joined up and went there to celebrate his achievements, we grubbed, we talked and we cheered when he got his trophy! Boy did he look like a stud in his tie!

Well as far as crazy busy times, that is what has gone on over the last couple months. Seems so much more calm when I'm just posting fun pics! The last couple weeks we have also endured a new adventure, one into sobriety and building what we can only hope will be an amazing future not only for Jared, but also for myself and the kids. I have a man that has truly shown me that not only does he love his kids, my kids and me unconditionally but also that he loves himself and is ready and willing to make the changes to be a better man for everyone! He is amazing and we are here at day 16 and he is doing great. Learning, meeting new people, making changes and honestly...just doing better for himself.

So very excited for this new journey that I get to enjoy with him and our crazy little (giant) family!