It ain't perfect...

If it's easy, it ain't worth it and if it's worth it, it ain't easy.

 

When I started this relationship, this life, this blog I knew that every day wasn't going to be easy. I knew that life wasn't all peaches and butterflies and singing deers walking out of the forest to do my hair and crap like that. I knew that. I went in thinking so long as going forward was better than staying where I was at, that I was committed to being happy with that. The funny thing about life is that you just never know what it will hand you and how you will react.

 

Not a day goes by that I don't worry that I have somehow mentally scarred my children, that they don't know or haven't seen love the way they are supposed to see it and that maybe they have lost hope in the sanctity of marriage or whatever...and then I realize. They have their WHOLE lives. Did I play a part in that? Sure. Will they view things differently because of my choices that they had no say in? Sure. Will they probably go into relationships either cautiously or with reckless abandon? Sure. Those things however may have happened with or without the life I have led them in though so I can't keep beating myself up.

 

Lets stop and take a second. Its been almost 8 months. Life as a blended family seems like its been forever, the kids and us, we all feel like we belong. With that being said.

 

THIS. SHIT. IS. NEW!

 

 

I can't pretend that its perfect. I can't say that it's been easy or that there haven't been some learning curves. There have been arguments as well as perfectly amazing days, and assuming we are both in this the way that we tell each other we are, there will continue to be those kind of crazy up and down days. I don't want a relationship where one person is more dominant, where one person gives and the other takes, or where there is one YES person and one DO IT NOW person. I think we have a great balance but with that being said last night we had a blow up. I don't need to air my dirty laundry here or on any other social media type of place but this is the deal folks.

 

We have pasts. We have drama. We have insecurities.

 

 

We both deal with it in slightly different ways and coming from a place where I was the DO IT NOW person and my ex was a YES person its hard to now be with someone who...

 

1. Can't read my mind

2. Has a very strong opinion about everything

3. Is still learning I am not as strong as I once was

 

And likewise he is now dealing with someone who...

 

1. Expects him to read my mind

2. Has a bit of an emotional roller coaster going in her head

3. Is a little bit scared of real love and all it entails

 

We came into this two people who were sort of scarred and damaged and beat up on and of course we did our fair share to our spouses I am sure, we aren't perfect and we don't pretend to be. That being said, we also can get into an argument, he walks away, I get frustrated that he walks away and then we meet in the middle at 1am saying 'I love you' and eating orange push-up ice creams. We work. Unlike any other relationship I have ever known or been in, we work.

 

None of this pertains to a family outing and none of it even really means anything other than, I am at an age where I realize two things...

 

1. No relationship is perfect

2. The best relationships are the ones where you don't walk away when it gets hard

 

I am used to people walking away. Making open ended threats about leaving and sometimes my guy he does that. Its his quickest out. The easiest thing to say. However, he has yet to leave, walk out the door or not talk to me like a human once we both breathe and rarely do we argue at loud levels or even angry levels. Just frustrated, can we hug it out and shut up levels.

 

Last night we had a moment. A scary moment where I told him things I wouldn't change or take back but that needed some explaining. This man is pretty perfect for me. He makes me happy, he often puts me first and sometimes I forget that I don't need to be scared that he is going to tell me one thing and do another. The scariest thing is that often exactly what he says is exactly what he means. No innuendo or need for interpretation but I need to learn to do the same. He isn't a guesser, he doesn't take hints well and he (as I stated before) cannot read my mind. I mean seriously. I can't have all that he gives me plus a super power.

 

I needed a moment to just step back, to say what's on my mind and to let whoever reads this tiny little blog know that I am 31 years old, I have three kids of my own, am going through a divorce and have also started a new unexpectedly perfect relationship while inheriting three more amazing kids and I don't have all the answers. It isn't perfect. We aren't perfect. We will undoubtedly have ups and downs and twists and turns but if I have learned anything its to stay true to what I know and what I know right now is that I smile each morning that I know that he is mine and I cherish every moment I make him smile.

 

I love our crazy